Tuesday, May 08, 2012

crud bucket.

that's what i feel like today. like i'm just not being the person that i want to be. not doing the things i want to do. not living like the honest and loving person that i intend to be. do you ever have these days?

it seems it's way too easy these days to always be confronted with so much! so many clothes. so many things for the house. it's everywhere. even for mila! i get on these family blogs with little girls and they're all wearing the cutest things and i just think that i HAVE to have them for m. but i DON'T! and then when i do go on a binge of shopping i just feel gross. like, really? did she REALLY need all of that? i feel even worse when i do it for myself, like seriously, do i need something new EVERY time i go out and do something?? i always think i do but i DON'T. then i just make myself sick thinking about it. is that really the person i want to be? a woman who just shops all the time? that's what i want to do with myself??? when i could be drawing for the project i'm working on with a friend. sewing clothes for m. fixing things around the house that need attention. doing more things for our firm. ANY of these things.

some days nick comes home and wonders what i've been doing all day and i think, "are you serious?" i haven't sat down ALL day. and i'm comfortable with that response because i know that i have been doing SOMEthing allllll day. but other days i'm like, "yeah, what HAVE i done all day today?" i'm so proud to have our happy healthy baby girl smiling when nick walks through the door at 5:00 because i know that's because of the attention i give her every day. but then what else have i done? cleaned. and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. seems that's pretty much all i do that i have something to really show for. a clean house. and thaaaaaat's just about it.

aughhh! and seriously. what does it mean to be the best dressed if you yourself aren't being the best you can be? now that mila is a little older, i know that i could be volunteering my time so much more. scratch that- i could being volunteering my time in general. because now? now i don't. but i could. i should. and nick, nick has been working so hard lately. doing things that i could be seriously contributing to. but i'm not. instead i cop it off to being to tied up with m.

it all ends today. seriously. TODAY. so here goes to just a little more cleaning {promise, this is NOT going to be the most productive thing i do today. i'm going to find something worthwhile before 12:00AM. something}.


  1. promise you, I felt the same way when Miles was born!! As we transition from independent to mom (so much for free time!), I know now that it's all a process we just have to work through. As silly as it may sound--its harder when blessed with the situation of not having to work outside the home. Hang in there. You will find balance. Just recognizing, as you have, that things are 'off' means you're already on the right path! Lets have lunch!!

  2. i always welcome your words of wisdom, T. we definitely need to have lunch THIS week!